mom wants to change family not supportive

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This topic contains 28 replies, has 4 voices, and was last updated by  rohan 10 months, 2 weeks ago.

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  • #6570

    rohan
    Participant

    hi all, my mom is 54. All these years she wore traditional saree as we are in small town. after I took admission to college in mumbai, she started traveling to Mumbai and got fascinated by culture in Mumbai, but can not take any step openly. but without knowing anyone, secretly she used to wear salwar kameez in Mumbai. but not in hometown. it’s clear that she wants to change. how can she do that?

  • #6573

    KVijay
    Participant

    see in joint families and conservative families u have to take a bold step initially so that in future female in family doesnt go through such ancient traditions. so i advised that ur mom sud take a step n convince ur father if he supports ur mom dan step vl be easy to take.

  • #6574

    rohan
    Participant

    you are right. In most of the towns in India still it’s a problem. As I said mumbai environment made her to think of changing. But as she doesn’t travel to Mumbai very often , she can not enjoy it. No lady from moms generation in our family, ever wore anything other than saree. saree is like a rule for them. since last1 year we started staying separately in same town. so father’s support is still a question. can somebody help to know how to start?

  • #6575

    KVijay
    Participant

    ya ur mom can talk with ur father n tell him what she wants and try to convince him . also assure him that if he doesnt feel ok she wont wear after dan. i am sure he will understand ur mom.

  • #6576

    rohan
    Participant

    yes. and the other issue is neighbours, known people, relatives. ignoring there comments is also important. In Mumbai also she strictly wear saree while visiting relatives. so becoming bold is very important. i will ask her to speak to dad and get his confidence. Next step will be facing neighbors and relatives boldly.

  • #6577

    KVijay
    Participant

    If ur dad supports der vl be no fear of others

  • #6578

    rohan
    Participant

    yes true. but looking at family tradition, its challenge for mom to convince dad. In mumbai she has broken all the family rules related to dressing, and dad is unaware about it. so don’t how he will react when she tries to convince him. hope for best

  • #6582

    rohan
    Participant

    so yesterday night with lot of courage mom opened topic with dad. she told dad that as summer started it’s becoming very hot outside and after working in kitchen for whole day, it sweats a lot. so she asked whether he will allow her to wear nightie. as expected dad denied. but after lot of debate he allowed her to wear it at night while sleeping that too in absence of relatives. if some guest or relatives are there she should not allow it. This is first step so mom accepted it. please suggest what kind of nightie mom should buy to wear at night which will be accepted by dad.

  • #6587

    KVijay
    Participant

    I think ur dad wont allow 2 piece or 3 piece nighty she can wear maxie i guess

  • #6589

    yogesh
    Participant

    Rohan,

    I will tell you what my wife did.
    We are from small town. But wife is from city and she is used to wearing all western clothes.
    She too faced similar situation with respect to modern clothes and short haircuts. As a husband even if i wanted to, i couldnt allow her to wear western clothes in small town or get a short haircut.
    What my wife did was she some how convinced my Grandmother and what happend was a surprise for me too.
    In one of the family function when every relative was present, my grand mother said,” I had married Yogesh with a city girl so that he has a modern wife. And sadly instead of being modern bahu has come here and learned all goan ka traditions. I am going to ask her to wear western clothes.”
    I dont know how my wife convinced my grandmom, but one of the thing i know is my wife secretly supplies chocolates and icecreams to gramdmom who has diabetes and not allowed to eat sweet stuff.

    Now my wife has bobcut and wears knee length skirts in a small town

  • #6593

    rohan
    Participant

    thanks yogesh and kvijay.
    Yogesh your wife is lucky for getting such grandma. she could convince. At this age after carrying all traditions for entire life for mom it’s not possible to convince someone.

    as vijay said dad is key. and she could convince him at least to allow her to wear nightie. vijay you are right. she should start with simple cotton gown/maxi. She may buy it today or tomorrow. after getting permission she is not showing eagerness to wear it to keep dad happy. She will buy it in one or two days. If any of our friends having any valuable suggestions please suggest.

  • #6651

    rohan
    Participant

    finally my mom bought 2 new cotton nighties / maxies. now let’s see when she wears it and how confidently she will be. She will be first woman in my family (in my aunties/cousin aunties) to wear something other than saree after marriage. she is going to do it after 50. Let’s see

  • #6652

    KVijay
    Participant

    Woh congrats n chill ur dad vl support her as he wud be excited to see her in dat dress

  • #6653

    Shilpa
    Participant

    But she will be able to wear that only in house right?

  • #6657

    rohan
    Participant

    not sure about dad kvijay. But Mom will be happy to do it
    Yes Shilpa. Mom got permission to wear nightie at home and that too for night as it sweats a lot after finishing housework. But that’s good for her as she will more comfortable than saree. innl such a family strict rule, she is getting some freedom though late.

  • #6659

    Shilpa
    Participant

    But i think she getting permission to wear anything in front of your dad inside your house is not freedom at all. Think about it.

    I think she should get permission to wear atleast pubjabi dresses/ suits outside in public.

  • #6662

    rohan
    Participant

    yes Shilpa. You are right. i think this is a start and she will definitely go further once she gets confidence. Now it has been 7 days somehow she got permission to wear nightie at night. after that she took 5 days to buy nightie and still have not wore it. that may be because of confidence in house. once she gets it she will do anything that’s what my view. any suggestions for mom?

  • #6665

    Shilpa
    Participant

    I think next step can be wearing loose punjabi dresses by saying that it is almost like a gown. And theb larer you can get her wearing size that fits her properly?

    • #6666

      KVijay
      Participant

      Y u dnt reveal ur real pic n identity

  • #6670

    rohan
    Participant

    thanks Shilpa for your suggestion. I think it will really help.
    between finally it started yesterday night. After finishing housework at night, mom changed her saree and wore her new nightie/ Maxie. Dad was in bedroom so he might be first to see her. Then she came to living room where I was sitting. She watched tv for half an hour before going to bedroom to sleep. She was looking beautiful and young wearing nightie and keeping her hair open. So she has officially the first lady in our family to do this. Though it is funny, it’s fact. Hope she will be happy and comfortable. But today morning I saw her in saree, so she is strictly following dads instructions. Now only dad and me saw her. Hope she will do it openly soon and start enjoying freedom and go further.

  • #6673

    Shilpa
    Participant

    Thats nice Rohan. Good to see you supporting females !!

    Looking forward to hearing any progress that happens.

  • #6687

    rohan
    Participant

    yes. I will keep posting updates. I am just helping mom to enjoy whatever she likes. only because of family tradition and male dominance most of the women can not do whatever they like.
    On second night she wore nightie in bedroom. so it’s official now. Now let’s see when she takes next step. will post updates

  • #6707

    KVijay
    Participant

    every1 got lost smwer or u all reply to girls only?

  • #6781

    KVijay
    Participant

    Any updates @rohan

  • #7183

    rohan
    Participant

    Hi all sorry for not posting for long as I was busy. Mom is following her schedule for one month now. But morning she comes out of bedroom in saree. This was right time for her to start considering her comfort and the temperature rise. Sunday waa exception as she kept wearing nightie till she took bath. She changed to saree after bath. Thanks for your support and your suggestion are welcome

  • #7377

    rohan
    Participant

    hi all there is some more improvement. mom has taken some risk. After my father goes out for work everyday mom wears gown so that she can work in kitchen with comfort. Before dad arrives at home she changes to saree. The night schedule is going well as before. the only issue is Sunday as dad is at home full day and mom doesn’t want to wear in front of dad during day time as she thinks he may ask her to stop wearing nightie at night too. Any suggestions from your side please.

  • #8011

    rohan
    Participant

    More update. Last Sunday my dad was out of station. Generally mom changes to saree. But this time she came out of bedroom wearing nightie. After finishing morning housework she took bath till that time she was in nightie which she wore previous night. But after taking bath also she wore cotton nightie. She was looking comfortable and confident. After lunch, mom took a nap. during that time my Mami (moms brothers wife) came. She stays in nearby village and came for shopping. As mom was sleeping she did not come to know about mamis arrival. Mami was surprised to see mom sleeping wearing nightie. Mami knew, mom never showed interest in wearing any other dresses. When mom got up and saw mami she was very uncomfortable. She though like she was caught up. Mami praised her look but mom was not keen to respond. Finally mom urged mami not to tell anyone. but the good part was mom faced one more person which will boost her confidence. That full day she wore nightie at home. May be first lady of that generation in our house. Suggestions are welcome.

  • #8012

    Shilpa
    Participant

    Its very nice that your mami praided mom for her choice of modern dress. Which means that your mom will get more conficence in beocming modern.

  • #8017

    rohan
    Participant

    yes but still mom thinks she is doing something wrong. that’s why she requested mami not to disclose her request. I told her it’s not wrong. She has to accept that it’s nothing wrong in it. Any suggestions for next steps.

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